February is American Heart Month and here at Withings HQ we are producing tons of informative, worthy content to celebrate it. But as Valentine’s Day falls in the same month and cardiovascular heath maybe isn’t as exciting to others, as it is to us, we asked Penn Jillette to do us a solid. We asked him for “a sexy blood pressure article.” Penn delivered, nailed it, stuck the landing. Everything below is from Penn. Enjoy, and we hope it quickens your pulse, but only just a bit.
Withings Blood Pressure Cuff – Happy Valentine’s Day
by Penn Jillette
I was in high school the first time I slept with my girlfriend. I’m not using a euphemism there. We had already done everything we could do sexually (at least everything we could think of ourselves — this was before the internet). We’d done it all outdoors, in cars, at school, even in bed, but we’d never slept together — maybe dozed off for a moment for a nice little nap, but never really fallen asleep for the night. Somehow, we were able to justify a weird trip on a houseboat together to our parents. They questioned our motives and we were offended that they didn’t trust us. In the end, we got to be alone on a houseboat and sleep together, a new level of intimacy for us. (What could this possibly have to do with Withings? They asked me to write “something sexy” about their blood pressure cuff for Valentine’s day. Watch me work.)
I learned a lot on the houseboat that overnight. I learned that even without an internet there were some other sex stuff things we could think of. I learned that actually sleeping together could be as intimate as sex. I learned that when you’ve slept alone for seventeen years, waking up with a moving human being on your chest is really scary. Like heart-pounding, screaming, WTF-get-this-strange-living-thing-off-of-me scary. I learned that when a high school girl is sleeping on your chest and you wake up terrified and scream at her and throw her off of you and out of bed… it takes a long time for her to forgive you, find it funny, calm down, relax and get back to REMing together.
I also got to be in the same room with her when she brushed her teeth in the morning. A young woman brushing her teeth topless on a houseboat rates its own internet subscription site, and I sure hope that site doesn’t clone credit cards and sell them to China. I also learned that I brush my teeth really funny. There are no internet sites for naked geeky, too tall, goofy, young hippie men brushing their teeth. Supply and demand, I guess.
Her toothbrushing was sexy not only because of biology, physics and standing waves. It was also sexy because it was intimate. It was another level of sharing. Intimate to the nth degree.
I’m sixty years old now. I’ve watched a lot of women brush their teeth (even before my membership to that site – are you sure my credit card is okay?). What intimacy have I not shared? The most important number in health is blood pressure. For a guy like me, who had blood pressure like the voltage from a British electrical outlet, there is no more important number. When I was losing my century of pounds last year, the Withings blood pressure cuff saved my life. I could not have lost that weight and got off most of my BP drugs without it. There’s no exaggeration there. The speed that I lost the weight could have turned those lifesaving drugs into poison on a daily basis. I didn’t have time to go to the doctor every day to use his sphygmomanometer and I couldn’t trust myself to call him and report accurately every time I took a reading. I would have called him every couple of days and that wouldn’t have been safe. The Withings cuff automatically sent my reading to him the instant it was recorded, and allowed him to adjust my meds accordingly. My stupid-fast weight loss was safe and healthy because of Withings.
I’m going to call my wife in now to watch me take my blood pressure topless here in front of my computer. That’s intimate and life affirming, right? Biceps are sexy. The cuff is kinda sorta like a little bit of bondage, right? Sitting still and relaxed after meditation, with your bicep in bondage, is sexy. What is sexier and more life affirming than taking ones blood pressure with a Withings cuff? I want to share that with my wife for Valentine’s Day. What’s sexier than that?
Oh yeah, a woman brushing her teeth topless. I have to get back to my site. My credit card will really be okay, right?
Oh, and for those of you wondering – 128/70 with a pulse of 59, right after writing this and checking out those sites and worrying about China having my credit card number. And now I’ve been intimate with you. Sexy.